I absolutely loved G.I Joe as a kid. I mean, I really, really loved it. I was obsessed with the colorful “Greatest American Heroes”  as they faced off in countless adventures against the evil forces of COBRA. The cartoon was okay, but I preferred making up my own storylines with my toys based on the more realistic characterizations in the excellent Marvel comics. I continued to read the series well into the early 90’s, hoping that someday Hollywood would make a live-action G.I. Joe movie that would do justice to the awesome ninja drama of the Snake-Eyes vs. Storm Shadow saga, or the various power struggles within COBRA between Destro and Cobra Commander.

I longed for the day when I would get to see members of  America’s Elite Task Force like Duke, Hawk, Roadblock, Flint, Stalker, Scarlett, Spirit, and Gung-Ho played by great action stars kicking ass on the silver screen. Then, hack director Stephen Sommers took a big steaming shit in my mouth and called it a Sundae with his absolute travesty of a G.I. Joe film, Rise of Cobra in Summer 2009.

Shortly after the film finished scarring G.I. Joe fans for life, Stephen Sommers announced that he would be back to give us more adventures of rubber-mouthed Snake-Eyes and Channing Tatum in a sequel, thus raping the desecrated corpse of G.I. Joe even further. Today however, news surfaced that Stephen Sommers isn’t returning to the franchise after all:

Two agents who represent other filmmakers have said they’d recently been approached about their clients coming on to helm the movie and were told that Sommers would not be getting behind the camera. Paramount declined to comment.

Now, just because Sommers is off the project, I wouldn’t get my hopes up for a better G.I. Joe sequel, unless they scrap it all and start over from scratch. They can keep Rachel Nichols as Scarlett, but everything else has to go: the shitty rubber black costumes, the sub-par CGI, the future setting, the secret desert headquarters, the connection between The Baroness, Duke, and Cobra Commander that has never appeared in any Joe continuity whatsoever, and especially the acting vortex of suck that is Channing Tatum.  Credit: 24 Frames



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