THE CARTER’S TOP TEN WORST FILMS OF 2010

When I was compiling this list, it was truly disturbing to look back at just how many awful, stinky, shit-bombs there were polluting multi-plexes in 2010. This list covers only the ten worst that I actually saw, so don’t expect to see any Twilight pictures, Fockers, or Marmaduke here, because I’d rather slide naked down a razor-banister than pay money to see any of those epic turds. That having been said, here are my TOP TEN WORST FILMS of 2010!

10.) Due Date

I liked this movie better when it was called Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

 

9.) Edge of Darkness

Oh, Crazy Mel, you kooky nut, you. This was supposed to be your big comeback; a tense, hardcore Boston cop drama in the vein of The Departed. Instead, it was a sloppy mess full of plot-holes, bad accents, far-fetched WTF? moments, and poisoned milk. Yes, poisoned milk. Perhaps the sloppy editing, and a script so terrible it scared Robert DeNiro away, caused you to finally go completely over the edge and make those bugfuck crazy threatening phone calls to the Mother of your child? One can only wonder…

 

8.) Legion

Take one part Stephen King’s The Mist, one part The Prophecy, sprinkle in one-part cheap horror flick, and you have Legion, a monumentally idiotic film populated by cliché stock characters such as, The tough, gangsta black guy! The dim-witted redneck! The bitchy, spoiled daughter! The beautiful girl next door! The rich, self-involved Mom! The grizzled, old, ex-military short-order cook! And um, Dennis Quaid! I felt so bad for Paul Bettany as he attempted to keep a straight face while spouting his Biblical doom and gloom amidst a collection of mediocre actors and a laughable screenplay. The poor guy deserved better.

 

7.) MacGruber

Admittedly, this film made me laugh far more than it had any right to (a running gag involving an old cassette deck car stereo was particularly effective), but that doesn’t mean MacGruber wasn’t a slapped-together, ill-advised studio cash-grab with a premise as paper-thin as the SNL sketch its based on. Not a terrible film, but certainly not a good one, either.

 

6.)  The Wolfman

I really wanted to love The Wolfman, but the studio’s hack-job completely neutered this film. Initially, talented director Mark Romanek (One Hour Photo, Never Let Me Go) was behind the camera on this project, but his cut was deemed too long and too talky, so enter Rocketeer director Joe Johnston, who turned in a butchered, de-fanged version that was all sub-par CGI action and zero character development. The end result is a sloppy mess that isn’t the least bit tense or frightening. Wolfman’s got nards? Nope, not this one.

 

5.) Skyline

Man, now the cinematic shit is really starting to pile up to waist-level. Made for only $10 million, Skyline promised an epic alien-invasion film on a shoestring budget. Instead, it delivered unlikeable, poorly-developed stock characters; dumb, stilted dialogue, and more disaster movie clichés than a Zucker Brothers film. Skyline only escapes the top spot on this list due to Donald Faison’s awesome homage to Lando Calrissian in the beginning of the film. For more on this turd, here’s my full review from back in November.

 

4.) Alice in Wonderland

Once upon a time, there was an exciting, visionary filmmaker named Tim Burton who wowed us with his dark, quirky visuals and a wicked sense of humor. Now, he’s just a corporate stooge churning out schlock with Johnny Depp in different silly hats and jamming the screen with the same tired imagery over and over again. Alice in Wonderland is an assault on the senses; an explosive cinematic bowel movement of loud colors, terrible CGI, poorly-converted 3-D gimmickry, and obnoxious characters that I didn’t give a damn about. Lewis Caroll was a hardcore opium addict, but if he saw any of this drizzly shit in one of his drug-induced trips, he probably never would’ve written a single line about the Looking Glass. Execrable.

 

3.) Prince of Persia

You know, I’m no expert on ancient history, but I’m pretty sure Persians didn’t speak in a formal British accent, but that detail is trivial compared to the rest of this turd’s problems. This film is just flat and lifeless all the way through; there’s no tension, no sense of momentum, nothing really at stake, and no characters to care about – unless you count Gemma Arterton’s tits as characters, that is.

 

2.)  The Last Airbender

The downward spiral of a once promising filmmaker continued with this colossal disaster of a movie, which failed to honor its source material in every way imaginable. M. Night Shyamalan botched the pacing, the dialogue, and the casting (Google ‘racebending’), but the worst crime he committed was stripping away all the exuberance and life that permeated every single frame of the animated series. Is it shiny and glittery and pretty to look at? Sure. But so are the stars in the mid-Summer night’s sky, and they won’t rape your wallet of $13 or insult your intelligence.

 

1.) Clash of the Titans

The original Clash of the Titans wasn’t a great film by any means, but it had a few things going for it; the charm and painstaking craftsmanship of Ray Harryhausen’s stop-motion creature effects, Laurence Olivier’s commanding performance as Zeus, Harry Hamlin’s impossibly beautiful coiffure, Bubo the armored owl, and a ton of 80’s nostalgia.

This wholly unnecessary remake had…Sam Worthington, an actor so devoid of talent and charisma; he makes Channing Tatum look like fucking Daniel Day Lewis. This movie is such a clusterfuck, that I don’t even know where to start ripping it to shreds. It had disastrous 3-D conversion, bland characters, plot contrivances aplenty, atrocious editing, a poorly-written script that was hacked and re-assembled who knows how many times, lifeless action sequences, and Liam Neeson slumming it as glittery disco Zeus. Oh, and fuck that entire sequence where Perseus finds Bubo in an old trunk; it was a completely arbitrary and insulting “wink” to fans of the original Clash. FUCK. THIS. MOVIE.

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2 comments on “THE CARTER’S TOP TEN WORST FILMS OF 2010

  1. Hahahaha. Awesome list. However I will point at one factual error: Romanek never had a cut of “Wolfman”. He departed three weeks before production even started, and Johnston was brought on board to pick up the pieces. And even then, Johnston got screwed as well, forced into a multitude of re-shoots and re-edits that depleted even his version of the project.

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