Top Ten Reasons The G.I. Joe Movie Will Suck

Ed. Note: The following article contains spoilers for the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. If you don’t want to know anything about the flick, stop reading!

In 2007, director Michael Bay broke the collective hearts of millions of Transformers fans with the release of his abysmal movie adaptation of the hugely popular 80’s toy line. The flick was a spectacle of excess, with lots of explosions and dramatic slow motion pans over the robot carnage, but it was obvious that Bay had no respect for the lore and legacy of the Transformers property.

I wasn’t too broken up about it, because I was never that into the Transformers as a kid. After Star Wars had run it’s course in ’83, I became a die-hard G.I. Joe collector. I was absolutely obsessed with the “Real American Heroes” action figure line and accompanying comic book series, so when it was announced that  G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra was finally going into production, I held my breath and hoped against hope that the same transgressions perpetrated upon the Transformers franchise by Bay and his cronies would not be visited upon my beloved G.I. Joe. Tragically, all of my hopes and dreams of a decent G.I. Joe film were annihilated as soon as the details started leaking on the Internet. This movie is going suck on an epic scale, and here’s the top ten reasons why:

10.) Roadblock isn’t called Roadblock: Anyone who has ever read a single G.I. Joe comic book or even watched an episode of that ridiculous animated series, knows that Roadblock is one of the most prominent (and popular) members of the G.I. Joe team. He’s one of only a handful of African-American joes, and as the team’s heavy machine-gunner (he could hand-fire a .50 caliber machine gun!), he was a vital component of just about every mission. He was also a great character, demonstrating fierce loyalty to his fellow Joes, as well as a knack for gourmet cooking! With that knowledge readily available, you have to wonder why the Rhodes scholars behind this production saw fit to essentially cast this character with a suitable actor (the uber-cool Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who played Mr. Eko on LOST), outfit him with a heavy machine gun, then inexplicably turn around and call him “Heavy Duty”, a lame add-on character who arrived on the scene at the tail-end of the G.I. Joe toy line.

9.) Destro won’t be wearing his steel mask: At least, not until the very end of the movie, according to spoiler reports. Which means that the primary villain of the film will be the invisble douchebag from season one of Heroes (he also played Dr. Who, apparently), running around in a three-piece suit. I bet we won’t even get to see the sweet pimp medallion… *sigh*

8.) It’s got a Wayans brother in the cast: First of all, there were over 300 Joe characters to choose from, and the writers stuck Ripcord in this film. Ripcord? The guy was in maybe one or two episodes of the animated series and about ten issues of the comic series. There were plenty of hugely popular Joes that could have filled this spot on the team. How about Flint? Gung Ho? Spirit? Hell, even Shipwreck would have been a far better choice. But Ripcord? Come on now!

A quick search on IMDb reveals the casting directors (yes, that’s right, they needed two clueless asshats for this job) for G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra are named Ronna Kress and Nancy Bishop. These two geniuses were paid six-figure salaries to look at this extremely white paratrooper character and think, “Hey, how about that Wayans guy? He was hilarious in Little Man!” These two should be bound, gagged, tied to chairs and be forced to watch the later years of In Living Color (you know, the ones with Chris Rock…*shudder*).

7.) Storm Shadow looks like a member of Panic At The Disco: When Larry Hama introduced the concept of ninjas into the G.I. Joe mythology in 1984, it took the saga of the Real American Heroes to new heights of awesomeness. Suddenly, there was a mysterious and fascinating backstory that tied several characters together and introduced one of the most badass dudes to ever wield a bow & arrow, the Cobra ninja  Storm Shadow. Ol’ Stormie rocked the classic ninja outfit, except his was stark white, which made it unique and completely kickass. Now, sadly, Snake-Eyes’ sword brother and ultimate nemesis looks like he belongs in a super-gay Asian emo band with this incredibly lame white leather suit. His battle togs aren’t that much better, either. Nice Keds, asshole.

6.) It’s directed by Stephen Sommers (You know, The Mummy guy): He also directed Van Helsing, one of the biggest cinematic turds of all-time. After that travesty, this fucking guy shouldn’t be allowed to direct traffic on a one-way street, much less helm a G.I. Joe movie. Don’t get me wrong, the Mummy films certainly have their charms and are fun summer popcorn flicks, but the same style of filmmaking just won’t fly for G.I. Joe.  What the hell were the producers thinking here? Couldn’t they have found someone with a background in making military action films? Shit, was Michael Bay not available? That guy’s notorious for fetishizing soldiers, aircraft, and other military equipment in his flicks. Oh wait, that’s right, he was busy raping the childhoods of thousands of Transformers fans. My bad.

5.) Duke and Cobra Commander are teenagers:

Oh look honey, the two main characters and leaders of their respective organizations are played by that kid from Step Up 2 Tha Streets and that kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun, isn’t that cute? [shoots self].

4.) It’s an origin story: Good Lord, just for once, could Hollywood have one iota of respect for an audience’s intelligence and drop them into a universe where everything is already established? Would it be that difficult to follow a story that involves a group of highly-trained elite military specialists fighting against an evil terrorist organization? Well, apparently Hollywood feels the world is made up of slack-jawed mouth-breathers who need to know the origins of every face that hits the screen, so valuable time that could be spent on a compelling and intense story is wasted on character introductions and tedious exposition. It’s becoming incredibly frustrating.

Think about it for a minute, some of the greatest movies of all time simply dropped audiences into the middle of a story without explaining a damn thing. Take the original Star Wars, for example. You got a very brief text crawl that set up a few things, but then you were immediately smack dab in the middle of an insane space battle where all hell is breaking loose and the two main characters for the first 30 minutes of the movie are freakin’ robots! It worked, however, because eventually the strength of the story and the characters erased any need for background information or “audience orientation”. In my opinion, the exact same scenario could work for G.I Joe. Just plop the audience down in the midst of an intense firefight between some Joes and Cobras, and let the characters and the story shine through.

3.) It’s set in the future: Ten years in the future, according to the uber-geniuses behind this project. Fantastic. This means we’ll get to see “futuristic” weapons, “futuristic” battle armor, and all the Cobra soldiers will more than likely be cyborgs. FAIL.

2.) No Stalker: This omission is probably the most criminal of them all, as Stalker was a crucial member of the team with ties to the Snake-Eyes/Storm Shadow story. See, Stalker was part of a LRRP (Long-range recon patrol) in Vietnam along with Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow (who went to train with the same ninja clan together after the war), and after the war he was one of the first members recruited for the team by the U.S. Government. If you go by the comics and not the animated series, Stalker was a total badass who was essentially third in command of the team behind Hawk and Duke. It stands to reason that if you are going to do an origin story of the G.I. Joe team, you’d probably want to feature the one guy who helped start it all, asshats.

1.) Everyone’s wearing black rubber suits…AGAIN. Please….please…For fuck’s sake…CAN WE STOP WITH THE FUCKING BLACK RUBBER SUITS ALREADY??? Jesus Christ, this movie could have a been a competent Hollywood costume director’s wet dream, with hundreds of unique and colorful military costume designs to choose from, but it all went up in flames when some douche-y studio exec or market analyst stuck their mitts in where they didn’t belong and said, “Hey, X-Men was a group of heroes and they wore black rubber suits! I seem to recall that franchise made a shit-ton of cash, so let’s scrap all of this camoflauge and practical military clothing and have them wear black rubber suits too!” Yeah, great. Wonderful. So instead of having a team comprised of unique individuals with costumes reflecting their identities, we once again have a bunch of guys who all look exactly the same, so they can look pretty for a group photo.  FUCK. YOU. This decision was beyond terrible, and it’s getting to be a ridiculous team/action movie cliche. I guess we have the costume director for the first Batman film (1989) to blame for this trend, as almost every single superhero flick to come out since then has featured the dreaded black leather/rubber jumpsuit: all the subsequent Batmans, Daredevil, the Blade films, The Matrix films, The X-Men films, the list goes on and on. ENOUGH ALREADY!

Advertisements

26 comments on “Top Ten Reasons The G.I. Joe Movie Will Suck

  1. LOL, nice post. You nailed a lot of things. Unfortunately, you didn’t nail them all because all I see for this movie is more shitty nails to nail.

    PS. I think they should use Jim Carrey as Serpentor.

  2. Holy SHITTOLA!

    I didn’t even realize STALKER was absent. My god this is gonna suckitty suck suck. I’m sorry…NO Roadblock…NO Stalker…NO Dusty…NO original Joes besides Hawk, Dukey, Scarlett, Snake Eyes and Breaker.

    And that fuckin Black leather shit.

    FUCK.
    THIS.
    FLIK.

  3. I too am a long time Joe fan and you forgot one of the top clusterfucks of the movie DENNIS QUAD …WTF…oh yeah and no Firefly in an age where free lance mercs would kick ass and add a 3rd party chaos factor he would have been perfect as well as his ties to Snake-eye and Storm Shadow

  4. GREAT list man! I didn’t know all those things, but you’re dead on right! I totally / especially agree with #4… PLEASE Hollywood, we KNOW who they are! And if we don’t we’ll figure it out!!! Great example of Star Wars being kick-@55 and not being an origin story.

    J.J. Abrams new Star Trek is another example. It is by definition an origins movie… but it’s not going to be an origins story! He’s going to say, “Here we are… deal with it.”

    Ah well… I will probably still see it… when it’s on DVD… or NBC… or something.

    P.S. Cobra Commander is a TEEN!?!?!?! BLARGH!!!!

  5. not sure if you guys are a bunch of politicaly correct liberals, but lets not forget who the joes are, where their from and where cobra are supposedly from. the movie seems to change all that. Thats my biggest outrage. Oh and what about zartan

    • Same man, I just am going through all these emotions right now over this shit flick. It’s like a woman when it’s that time of the month lol. I definitely will not be watching this. It’s gonna be torture watching it.

      On to this article…I completely agree with everything especially number 7. Storm Shadow looks like a Faggot-ass teenager.

  6. Yeah – the ONLY thing good that I can see coming from this movie is that Baroness actually looks kinda like Baroness. Ironically enough – she wore a Black Leather/Rubber suit.

    But that’s about it.

  7. Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much.
    I was kinda on the fence when I first heard about this movie. I thought that this movie would be pure shit. I see I was giving it a compliment. Number 5 was a shock. How the hell can they have them as the main characters? Give me characters with some age on them!
    And Number 2? NO STALKER?!? The only good thing about not having him in the movie is that his legacy will not get tarnished.
    I refuse to contribute any money to this fucking tragedy that will be made. I didn’t do it for Transformers and I won’t do it for this garbage.

  8. Dude, fricking A-right!! Kudo’s on everything. I totally agree on everything you said %150 percent. Transformers was trash, and an abomination. I can’t even understand why it made so much money, and people went along with it. I can’t think of anything that even makes me remotely interested in the joe movie. Marlon Wayans is a big factor in my disgust in this movie. Why do we need a guy who makes stupid faces and isn’t even funny in the movie? Is it now a comedy when it shouldn’t be? I actually started watching the first x-men movie on tv last week, and cringed at most things in there, and I totally remembered why I hated it in the first place. After those 3 movies, and all the changes to the property from hollywood, I went from being a die hard X-men fan, to being a shell that would be ashamed to admit liking X-men anymore. Brian Synger should not be allowed to touch another super-hero movie. I AM SO SICK OF THE GOD DAMN SPANDEX ARGUEMENT TOO!! Why do some people think spandex is the only alternative to black leather? When I do see my old comic figures and the awesome X-men arcade games, I get nostalgic, but to me the movies defiled the property. I seriously see that happening with the New Joe movie. Why did hasbro promise that nothing would change in the property movie especially the costumes, but then let it get walked all over? I have lost most confidence in hasbro and hollywood.

  9. Dude this movie is going to blow. who the fuck thought up the idea for the cast is anyones guess. i will NOT be going to see it and neither will my buds, and we are all massive toygeeks especially joes. this movie destroys all of my childhood fantasys about joe vs cobra.
    I hate hollywood.

  10. Jesus,thanks for exposing this farce early,my God maybe Orlando Bloom will be cast as Serpentor for the sequel,could’nt get any worse now…Ripcord,Shawn Wayans?Let’s face it this “movie”should have been made in the late 80s anyway for us twentysomethings…what no Dr.MindBender?I always envisioned Sly Stallone as Big Boa!

  11. Okay, I’m late to the party, but I held off looking up this movie for as long as possible. I now wish that I had never heard about it. All this movie is going to do is force the GI Joe toy and story line into overload and more or less kill it and everything that has been built up over the years. Poor poor GI Joe, it is going to end up just like Star Wars after the Crappisodes 1-3 were made.

  12. Hey, who’s that guy playin’ Duke again? Another crappy teen actor. This will indeed suck ass. I hate Hollywood. Any generation could appreciate how awesome the real GI Joes were. Why you gotta go an mess it up, Hollywood?!?! Won’t be wasting money on it. Not sure about the new Transformers film. Probably won’t though. First one was corny.

  13. aww you lame sick children!!! wow i can’t believe there are die hard fans out there that judges something before they see it.. for me you are all so pissed just because what you want is not in the film.. SO WHAT!! who the hell are you to judge!!!

  14. Six Demon Bag and others who’ve posted comments,

    my name is Chris Herring. I’m a reporter with The Wall Street Journal newspaper. I was hoping to do a story on people like you, who are incredibly disappointed — or maybe even downright angry — that the GI Joes for the upcoming movie look nothing like the original from the comics or the TV show. I’m especially interested in anecdotes involving people who have taken some sort of action (writing letters to the makers of the movie or who has plans of staging protests, etc.). The more intense the response, the better.

    I know Six Demon Bag doesn’t publish on this blog anymore, but I’m REALLY hoping that he and maybe some of you still have a way to see and respond to comments that are posted on this site.

    I’m a real reporter, you can even look up my name. If you feel can help me and would like to talk to me for this potential story, my e-mail is chris.herring@wsj.com

    I can e-mail you back and we can go from there.

    Hope to hear back from you,

    Chris

  15. I am a 30 something looong time joe fan. I still have hundreds of joe comics and original figures. I went opening day and watched the movie. Now about your list……

    #10.) RoadBlock isn’t called roadbloack because he isnt roadbloack….duh! He’s HeavyDuty. He came to the Joe universe in season 2, what i call the end years cuz we all know the show died after season 1. This movie is more of an adaptation of Sigma 6, (thus the sigma power suits). Its gay, its lame and it sux but hollydorks have to appeal to the general masses, not true fanboys. They need to make their dough. and it BLOWS.

    #9) Destro’s Masks. Well we’ve established that it was a crappy origins flick, so they tell how he gets it. They did however, come up with an intersting way to give it to him to where his mouth moves while wearing ot(which i thought it to be reall weird in the toons)

    #8)I agree with the whole ripcord/wayans thing. there are quite a few african american parts in the joe ‘verse, why make a white guy into one??? And ripcord was never anybody!

    #7)stormshadows looks….. i’m not really going to dwell a whole lot on anybodies looks, it is a fanatsy movie, and well, how well do toons transverse over to live action anyways? i think his outfit probably looks better then he would have look in white tights. and cooler then he would look in just a white ninja outfit.

    #6)personally i liked van helsing and the mummy.

    #5)I wasnt happy about duke and cobra commander being so young. whats worse is their relationship in the film. Never happened that way on any plane of the joe ‘verse…at all ever end of story. they should have gotten their facts straight. the real story, involving stalker, scarlett, snake eyes, storm shadow, zartan, fire fly, hawk, and cobra commander would have a great story to tell.

    #4) origins. i personally believe to tell an origins story is important. you DO KNOW its planned as a trilogy dont you? you have got to involve the group of masses out there that dont already know about joes. (because we all know KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE)

    #3)its in the future. being in the future had nothing to do with the weapons. they made “future” weapons in the 80’s for chris sake. they made it in the future so that any reference to duke’s past war efforts wouldnt step on the toes of any current military conflicts.

    #2) ommision of stalker….i have no comment about this really. i know he was one of the original members, and served in nam with snake eyes and storm shadow, but they didnt tell this origins story, it was more like dukes origin(i guess). like i previously stated they played up the sigma six angle because of the suits( they apparently needed to compete with future war machines nad transforming robots this year) and a bunch of brightly colored war heroes wouldnt suffice.

    #1) all joes wore brightly colored out fits making them look like village people!!!(uh-hem, gung ho, wild bill, ship wreck) the black rubber/leather is sexy, long live latex!!!

    #0) what also bothered me was the fact that the baroness didnt have her eurotrash accent.(no offense to europe but it was a crappy accent even for where ever shes from) she was a white bred american. and they used the fact that she was once engaged to duke…..why out of all the fun facts created in the joe ‘verse all these years and these many version they picked this one stupid fact and ran with it i’ll never know. I think they may have been able to tell the real story of how snake eyes saved scarlet from an exploding helicopter, losing his voice and most of his face instead….oh and by the way scarlets love interest in the movie isnt EITHER DUKE OR SNAKE EYES……………ITS RIPCORD WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  16. Well, I was laughing through the entire thing, until one point.
    Storm. Shadow.
    Wtf is your PROBLEM?!
    True the ninja suit SUCKED but I mean, to make fun of the world’s hottest Asian?
    You, sir, are a FELON!
    And if you actually see the movie, it’s pretty good.
    But, since I’m thirteen and smarter than half you people on here, it won’t matter what I say.

  17. dude i agree and stormshadow is on cobras team to kill him if you know comic books.it had good action but story line was off .

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s