An Open Letter To A Moron John Locke:

*sigh*John, John, John, when will you ever learn? Time after time you screw things up on a massive scale, continually making abysmal decisions that ruin your personal life as well as sabotage any chance our favorite castaways have of getting off the island.

First, you were duped by your own con-artist bastard of a Father into giving up one of your kidneys. Then, your obsession with understanding why he conned you out of a vital organ and your unfathomable need to gain his acceptance after all that happened resulted in you losing the love of your life, Helen. After all of those disasters, you thought you had finally found peace in a hippie commune that supported itself by growing massive amounts of marijuana, only to realize that you had been duped once again by unknowingly introducing an undercover police officer into the commune, sealing its fate.

Hi, I’m an idiot!

But that was just in your life before the plane crash Locke! You’ve fouled things up on a galactic scale once you woke up on the island and realized you were able to walk again. Sure, your newfound mysticism, belief in fate, and bad-assery with hunting knives led the survivors of crash 815 to the hatch, where hope was rekindled by a fully stocked pantry, shower, and laundry facilities, but you ultimately ruined that when you let the timer run down and Desmond had to blow the whole damn place up by activating the failsafe mechanism. Nice one.

I have to hand it to you though John, last night’s episode of LOST was truly your shining moment. All you had to do was guard Mr. Eyepatch for ten minutes while Kate and Sayid searched through the Flame station’s basement. Alas, your curiosity and idiotic need to prove you could beat a 20-year-old computer chess program got the better of you, and your actions led to you nearly getting your neck slashed, Miss Clu getting killed, and the entire Flame Station getting blown to bits by a failsafe command that you entered when you beat the the chess game. Since the station contained food, full documentation on all of the Dharma Initiative’s procedures and experiments, and most importantly a Satellite dish, you essentially destroyed any hope of learning what the Dharma Initiative was all about, as well as obliterating the only means of communicating with the outside world. Way to go, genius.

Look John, maybe in the future, you should just stay away from any electronic device that you might come across on one of your “vision quests”. In fact, maybe you should just stick to throwing your knives at boars or hanging out in your sweat lodge. That way, some of the survivors might get fed and they won’t have to suffer the repercussions of your endless attempts to prove that you have a “purpose” and that you really aren’t a clueless, gullible sap that causes everything around you to turn to shit.

Now go make yourself useful and whip me up some of that peyote, will ya?

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By Jeff Carter Posted in TV

One comment on “An Open Letter To A Moron John Locke:

  1. Pingback: Locke's Paralysis Revealed-"The Man From Tallahassee" « boxcar astronaut

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