The 79th annual Academy Awards were held in Los Angeles last night, and as usual it was an overblown, tedious, boring, self-indulgent, pretentious evening of ass-kissing and star-fucking. So, naturally I watched all 35 hours of the ceremony and filed this report for those of you who had better things to do, like check your basements for radon or memorize the Magna Carta.
Hottest woman on the red carpet: Sadly, Scarlett Johansson and her glorious breasts were not there to fill out an evening gown this year, so this honor will go to the always gorgeous Rachel Weisz.
Best awards presentation: Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg appeared on stage together to give out the award for best director. Coppola and Spielberg said something to the effect of “We all know how exciting it is to win this award”, to which Lucas comically replied, “but guys, I never won an Oscar”. Spielberg and Coppola then comforted their longtime friend mockingly, knowing full well he sleeps just fine at night on a gigantic pile of Star Wars money. Still, it is a crime that Lucas never received an Academy Award. Spielberg is overrated and everyone knows Lucas should have won the best director award in 1977 for the original Star Wars. Fuck Woody Allen.
Funniest moment of the night: Will Ferrel, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly performed a hilarious musical number about how funnymen can’t win Oscars. The best part was when Jack Black challenged the nominees to a fight, singling out Dicaprio. The number ended with all three men confessing their undying love for 61 year-old Helen Mirren. Comic gold.
Unfunniest moment of the night: anything Ellen Degeneres said.
Best bald guy: Jackie Earle Haley, who played Kelley Lee in the Bad News Bears movies, came out of nowhere to snag a best supporting actor nomination. Alan Arkin actually won the award, but this distinction goes to the newly-shorn Jack Nicholson. He’s still badass, but a little creepy.
Creepiest moment of the night: Speaking of creepy, the nude performance artists who made shapes of penguins, cars, and even planes using only their bodies were just plain WRONG!
Drunkest nominee: Peter O’ Toole, perennially.
Most deserving of his/her Oscar: Martin Scorcese, who should’ve taken home one of these golden guys eons ago for Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, or pretty much anything he’s ever directed in his life.
For those of you who missed the show, here’s a list of winners in the major categories:
Best Picture: The Departed
Best Director: Martin Scorcese-The Departed
Best Actor: Forest Whitaker-The Last King of Scotland
Best Actress: Helen Mirren-The Queen
Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson-Dreamgirls
Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin-Little Miss Sunshine
Best Song: “I Need to Wake Up” by Melissa Ethridge-An Inconvenient Truth
Best Animated Movie: March of the Penguins
Best Documentary: An Inconvenient Truth
Best Visual Effects: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Click here for the complete listing.