Good lord, look at this. Words cannot express how truly pathetic this Van Halen “reunion” is going to be. First off, you’ve got 15-year-old Wolfgang Van Halen filling in on bass for Michael Anthony, who was unceremoniously dumped from the band simply because that douchebag Eddie didn’t approve of him playing some solo dates with Sammy Hagar. Are you fucking kidding me? This little kid may be a better bass player than Mike, but can he hit the soaring falsetto backing vocals that are VH’s trademark? I don’t think so. This concert is going to sound absolutely atrocious. Young Wolfgang here is obviously not going to be drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels during his bass solo, either. Eddie’s not going to win a “Father of the Year” award for putting his son through the emotional and physical hell of a multi-city summer tour, that’s for sure. Nice going, jackass.
Next up you have David Lee Roth, looking like a cross between the blonde dude on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and Ryan Seacrest’s father. Cripes, I’ve seen more manly outfits in a Panic! At The Disco video. This look is a far cry from the tiger-striped, open-chested, spandex jumsuits David would rock back in the 80’s, but hey, at least it looks like he has some hair left. The real question is, can he still sing? Doubtful.
Then there’s Alex Van Halen, who is still a kickass drummer but has the personality of a goddamned piece of wheat toast. Seriously, is there a bigger asshole in the universe? Oh yeah, there is one, his dickhead brother. Sweet Jesus, just look at Eddie. It looks like someone threw a striped hat, sunglasses, and a guitar on the Wicked Witch of the West when she was half-melted. Mick Mars looks at this guy and says, “Wow, he looks awful!”. Eddie’s battled oral cancer and had a hip replacement, so it’s understandable that he looks sickly, but what isn’t understandable is his treatment of everyone around him for last oh, I’d say, 15 years of his life. His dismissal of Mike Anthony is inexcuseable, and it’s insulting to every real Van Halen fan to call this a true “reunion”.
If you think this tour is going to last more than three dates before Eddie snaps and grabs David Lee Roth by the throat or yells at his kid for getting tired during the first encore, you’re about to come to a very sad realization…cancel or allow?