So Boston, How Was Your January?

Good God, January was a terrible freakin’ month for the city of Boston. Bostonians watched helplessly as their beloved New England Patriots, a mighty football dynasty that always pulled out the close wins when it mattered the most, fall apart and blow an 18-point lead to the Colts in the AFC Championship game. The Boston Celtics, once a proud and mighty sports franchise that racked up 16 World Championships over the years, are in the midst of a record-tying 13-game losing streak. Their record is a pitiful 12-33, good for second-worst in the entire NBA.

Not far behind them in the “inept and hopeless” category are the Boston Bruins, who are in last place in the National Hockey League’s Northeast division with a mark of 22-23. They are currently on a four-game losing streak, which included lopsided losses to the New York Rangers (6-1) and the Buffalo Sabres (7-1). At one point this season, the Bruins lost a game 10-1. If you’re unfamiliar with the sport, getting beat 10-1 in a hockey game is like getting crushed 70-3 in a football game. It’s almost impossible for a team to give up that many goals in one game, but the B’s managed to do it somehow.

But Boston’s shame and embarrassment is not all sports-related, as thousands of innocent Bostonians realized yesterday when the city was shut down by those meddlesome, mischievous, Mooninites. Yes, a Cartoon Network marketing campaign involving light-up devices (resembling a Lite Brite) in the form of harmless cartoon characters placed throughout the city struck terror and panic in citizens. So much panic and terror in fact, that police, bomb squads, and federal authorities shut down the city until they figured out what was going on.

Un. Freakin. Believable.

Boston, know the face of your destroyer!

It just goes to show you that these days, all it takes is a couple paranoid idiots jumping to conclusions about a piece of plastic on a bridge to tie up traffic for hours and make life a nightmare for thousands of smarter people. Unfortunately, these paranoid idiots just happen to be from Boston, and they’ve brought humiliation to ol’ Beantown on a National scale. Now, maybe this unannounced, unapproved, guerrilia marketing tactic wasn’t the greatest idea, but fuck people…we need to be smarter than this. These things had been seen in Los Angeles, New York and other major U.S. cities for two weeks, and no one in those places thought they were under a terrorist attack. This whole thing just makes Boston look foolish. Way to go, ass-clowns.


3 comments on “So Boston, How Was Your January?

  1. You will all bow before the power of the Mooninites. Our reign of terror has only just begun in your so called “Bean town”. The combined force of our Quad-Laser will seem like a mild sexually transmitted rash compared to what is to come.Oh, and the new wife of your so called “Theo Epstein” is really my comrade ERR in disguise. We’re dining on his soul as I type this.

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