All right boys and girls, we’re only a few days away from this Sunday’s huge AFC Championship game between my beloved Patriots and the Indianapolis
Choke Artists Colts. Although the Internet is still rife with stories about the crybabies in San Diego coping with the fallout of their world-shattering playoff loss to the Pats last Sunday, I’m more focused on Tom Brady and his chance to do something that only two other quarterbacks in the history of the NFL have done: get a fourth Super Bowl ring for his strong pimp hand. And let me tell you, Tom’s pimp hand appears to be stronger than ever these days, if you believe this news story.
Really Tom? Gisele? Eh. Her looks are quite striking and all, but she just appears to be your typical dumb supermodel with a body so thin you can use her ribcage as a xylophone. Apparently Tom likes his women lean and bony, ladies. So if you want a chance with the newly single quarterback, you’d better get pounding that SlimFast. This seems to be a disturbing pattern for Brady. His last relationship was with actress Bridget Moynahan, another size zero waif. Have you ever picked up and held a really skinny cat, getting totally grossed out by feeling its’ little bones protruding everywhere? That’s what I imagine it would be like to hug Bridget Monyhan. No thanks. If I were Tom, I’d go after some curvy celebrity honeys like Scarlett Johannsen, Katherine Heigl, Kelly Monaco, or Jessica Alba. Not that he needs to listen to my lame advice. Tom Brady could walk into any awards show in Hollywood and get more celebrity ass than a toilet seat at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Finally today, if you’ve ever wondered why the New England Patriots have been the most dominant team of the decade, it’s because they’ve apparently had Satan on their team for a while now. Funny shit.